Back Up On the Horse

I'm dieting. Again. I have become the ubiquitous thirty-something woman who is trying desperately to shed unwanted pounds, and that's ok. I've struggled with my weight my whole life, and have only had a BMI in the 'normal' weight range for about thirty seconds total - when I was eighteen, naked, and dehydrated. I try really, really hard not to look down on those women who struggle to lose that "last ten pounds." Seriously? That's like worrying about your mansion not being as nice as the mansion next door, isn't it? If I was within ten pounds of my ideal weight, I'm afraid I'd be walking around nude to show off what hot stuff I was!

No, on second thought - I guess I would not. In truth, I would probably feel just as insecure and unhappy with the way I look as I always have. When I got married I was 70 pounds lighter than I am now, and ten dress sizes smaller. I was, most likely, within that last 10 pounds of being at an ideal weight (give or take a few pounds). But, was I happy? Was I ecstatic? Was I walking around nude? Or, even in trendy and cute clothing? Of course not. I was worrying about what I was eating and how I looked, just like I had been fifty pounds earlier, and just like I would be seventy pounds later. I cannot blame those ladies who fret over their last ten or fifteen pounds any more than I can blame someone for fretting over an extra 30, 50, 70, or even 100 pounds. Let's face it - it's not about weight, is it?

I'll tell you - the moments in my life when I've felt the best about my body came when I stopped focusing on how it looks and took the time to appreciate all the things it does for me. I've created, nurtured, brought forth, and nourished three beautiful people. I might not like my hips, but my babies sure fit well there. I wish that my thighs were a little less dimpled, but they have never yet failed to carry me through life. I might grumble when I see floppy arms and thick shoulders in the mirror, but my friends and family never complain when they are encompassed in a heart-felt hug. And, though I might not be happy with the way I look, my husband is, and making his eyes light up and a smile slide across his face is one of the best things that this old body is able to do.

So, I'm trying to find the balance. I don't hate my body anymore, but I also know that I'm probably never going to love the way it looks, no matter how much weight I lose. I, like 99.999% of American women, have a love-hate relationship with my physique. It's a game I've gotten comfortable playing. I know the rules. And, though I'm not quite sure you ever really win, at least I've learned how not to lose at it. I think I've become a better player as the years have gone by. I've traded in starving for savoring, binges for bites, and trends for the tried-and-true. So, why am I dieting again? Simple -  I'm working towards dropping a few pounds in order to stay healthy enough to keep playing this game for many, many more years to come. After all, I may never get to where I look great in my birthday suit, but I want to able to at least keep enjoy the cake and parties for many, many more years to come!