Wedded Bliss

Today is my best friend's anniversary. She and her husband have been married for nine years. That's really saying something, especially since they were both  younger than average when they tied the knot - a factor that often predicts marital failure. Despite that, and other challenges they faced, they've crossed a pretty important threshold today. According to the census bureau, most first marriages that end in divorce do so before or during eighth year.Wow. Congratulations guys - you've beat the odds. I always knew you would.

I have been thinking a lot about marriage lately, not only because of their anniversary, but also because there are some weddings marked on my calendar this summer that I'm looking forward to attending. In just a few weeks I will watch a young couple who is madly in love with each other - positively aglow with excitement - exchange vows. Their exuberance is contagious, and I can't help but smile when I think about them. They are beautiful. They are filled with hope and possibility. They are ready to take on the world, and they have no idea what they're getting in to.

None of us do, really. I was only nineteen when I got married, and I have never - not even for a moment - regretted that decision. However, marriage is not always what I expected it to be. There is something more permanent and powerful about the forging of two lives and souls than anyone can anticipate. I sometimes think, 'gee, it would have been nice if someone would have sat me down before my wedding and told me what it's like to be a wife.' Of course, there's no way to express how wonderful and challenging it really is, is there? I'm now in the position to do exactly that for a young person just ready to embark on the adventure of a lifetime, but I'm not sure what to say.

Should I tell her that she will not be the same person several years from now that she is today? How do you tell someone that the individual they're madly in love with will not be the same one they celebrate their tenth anniversary with? Moreover, how do you convince someone that those changes are ok? That, with all the challenges you will face together, you're not going to want this man to be the one standing next to you in the delivery room, or the emergency room, or the hospice room of your dying parent? But the person he will turn into will be exactly who you need him to be? How do you tell someone that you will literally watch parts of your new spouse - aspects of him or her that you dearly love - disappear with each passing day, only to be replaced by new characteristics, traits, and habits? How do you tell a giddy young bride-to-be that the defining elements of who her fiancee really and fundamentally is, will be all that remain as the years pass, and those elements might not be the ones she thinks they are? 

Should I tell her that there will be times (moments, hours, even days) when it won't be fun to be around her husband? When she might not really like how he's acting, or think that she doesn't even really like him? And, worse than that, there will be times when it won't be fun for her husband to be around her. How do you tell someone that only fairytales end with the effortless 'happily ever after?' In the real world, relationships require constant attention, work, and compromise - especially those the are happy forever after. In fact, as near as I can tell, that is one of the defining elements of what makes a marriage successful: the commitment to the marriage itself (and all the effort that entails) as well as the commitment to the person you are married to.

Should I tell her she'll sacrifice more than she realized she could? Should I tell her that sometimes she'll carry burdens that are bigger than she deserves? Should I tell her that sometimes she will be a bigger burden to her husband than he deserves? Should I tell her of the immensity of emotion - both in the depth of pain and the height of joy - that she will endure? The worry she will feel? How much of a comfort she will be to him, and what comfort he will provide to her? The pride at being joined with such a wonderful human being? The feelings of being inadequate for the tasks required? The enormity of what it means to be everything her husband needs her to be, in every area of their shared lives, for now and each day to follow? Should I?

I think, instead, I will sum all of that up into two little sentences, and tell her every truth about this important endeavor that I know by simply stating (as others did for me on my wedding day), "Congratulations! God really knew what He was doing when He created the blessing of marriage." Yes, I think that is exactly what I will tell her, and I will sincerely mean every word of it.