Loss

I am bereft, adrift without a tether. It was one loss, and there are so many still here who ground me solidly. Yet, there is still a part of me floating through space, free-falling through the atmosphere, sinking beneath the waves. The loss itself has been nibbling away at her for months, but dealt its final blow in but a moment - a beat, a beat, silence. Now comes the agony of having to re-enter the atmosphere, the coming back to earth, the grounding. What a difficult landing it is proving to be.

I am finding myself first grieving over my loss of the past. There is no one else who can share with me that history, her history. No matter what facts were fuzzy, what details were disconnected in her stories, they were none the less the truth. They were the truth in a way that no one else can recreate, not only because they were hers and only hers, but because no one else walked the miles, saw the sights, felt the feelings, loved the people, lived each moment like she did. And these are just the stories that only she knew. What about the stories that only she and I together knew, only she and I together lived? With no one left to share them, they become a burden too big to carry. What was once a word or phrase that brought knowing smiles, shared laughter, a twin twinkle in our eyes, now brings heaviness and hurt. I don't want to rid myself of them, but I don't want to be the only one to remember them either.

Next, I find myself grieving over my loss of the future. As much as it makes my heart ache to carry our shared stories alone, the hurt is tenfold to think that there will never again be any more of them.What adventures are left unexperienced? What places left unvisited? What people left unmet? What words left unspoken? What love left unshared? I feel stunted, limited, orphaned, cheated. Where will I go when I need only what she has been able to give me? Who will I call when I need to hear only what she has to say? How will I solve the problems to which she has been the only answer? I know there will always be another place, another voice, another answer, but I resent the searching I've now been burdened with since she is gone. Will I become all that I am to be since I do not have her anymore? The future will suffer because of this event at this moment in time.

And now I think of it - this moment. Forget yesterday. Forget tomorrow. My grief is focused now on now. If she were here, I would consult her. If she weren't gone, I would have her read this over, get her advice, reminisce, straighten my thoughts, laugh a little, get perspective. I know that our shared past isn't really gone, no matter how much it hurts to think of it. I will tuck it away and unfurl it bit by bit again as time goes by. I know that the loss of our shared future is, at this point, but a vague and intangible potential. It will become more real, but only gradually, and in keeping with the healing that I know will come to my heart.

I know all of these things. But, I also know, because every nerve in my body is screaming it at me, that the loss I feel now is real and immediate. It is not a paper dragon. It is not a threat of pain. It is pain right now. Right here. In this moment. It is tearing and aching. It is raw and hot and paralyzing, and it is mine. Much as I know she would have been willing to share it with me, I guess I'm going to have to field this one on my own. It will be my first hurt unshared with her - a new beginning born out of a new loss.